Another woven tapestry thread knotted, i.e., my cousin with RA passed

I'm sure in some strange place, maybe my life's tapestry that is embedded with threads from all the people that have meant the most to me has caused the "blanket" to be shiny and beautiful. But, for me, I'm in the middle of another overlapping year of grief. @%$#!!!
Yesterday was 1 year since my grandmother's passing, tomorrow is the 1 year since Gene's grandmother's passing (luckily for him, he was in Anchorage, AK at the time - it all happened rather suddenly - and after being together for 16+ years, she was like a grandmother to me,). December will be 1 year since my granddad's passing.
Today, it has been 3 weeks since my cousin, mentioned in another blog as "Cindy P.", passed from, mainly, complications of the medications many of our medical people like to put all us "autoimmune's" on. I spent every last free moment with my cousin, Cindy, during her 11-12 weeks in the hospital. She didn't survive 5 days once taken home, via hospice. She was my confidant on our chronic medical living and my "solder in arms"; my "partner in crime", the crime being the war raging against our bodies, in spite of any energy wished for to keep up with our mind's thoughts. My cousin raised her kids to 25 and 23 yrs. After watching the youngest, I realize I need to find away to make myself stronger - Find a way to self-preserve.
In some ways, that prayer has been answered, as I finally had a long-term memory that I could recall vividly [that wasn't associated with anything emotionally attached to me] - something I haven't been able to achieve for almost 3 years! I've held a lot of different emotions for this one loss since before and, even, during a long time after we had moved here: sadness, anger, victim-ly, determined, flight-or-fight, giving up, and finally it faded to me back to fighting, looking for my own answers, and trying to understand what I can from what I know and have learned. My growth began to return to me within my mind. First, in little ways - but ways that mattered a lot.
The connections began to make themselves in my mind. I was becoming somebody I missed - myself! ha ha Losing my immediate family members was hard, because I woke up not ready to be in the roles I was put in. But, I glided right into that spot as if it were meant for me to carry on. When I lost the one person that knew experienced what my life is really like and shared many of the same theories I had come to in order to enjoy my life and be someone my child would have as a deserving opposite sex parent, as well as a serve as a great Mom, and yet, without her, there were these times I felt lost and empty. This is from someone that knows we pass to a dimension we can hardly understand. Rather unexpected - yet ironically, this week, a younger girl with similar health problems as me, as well as entering into problems that compounded onto the very ones I had about 12 years ago, has entered into my life! I hardly think that I could fit into Cindy's shoes - and to be honest - no one will ever fill her shoes. But, the relation from one person's role to the next level occurs; every time we lose one of our own, whether we think we are prepared to be in the next role or not.
Loss is complicated and somehow finds a way of trying to simplify itself. Am I finally noticing what it is that I need, or am I looking to fill the void? If so, does the "Circle of Life" only involve our children? Maybe it depends on how involved a person sees themselves? In that case, life IS cruel and unfair; for no one can always be involved. Sometimes our priorities shift and our participation changes. That doesn't mean we stop caring, or decide being involved is more than we can commit to and therefore, never wish to again! If we didn't, then why do so many people blog to the point we have our own "community"?